I know, it's been forever since I've updated again. I'm really gonna try to do this more often now. Anyways, so I'm finally back to my old summer habbits. Yellowcard said it best, "Sleeping all day, staying up all night." And there's nothing that desribes me better at the moment.

My trip to S. Carolina was wonderful. Anyone who wants the details and doesn't kno already will hafta ask me personally but let me say this, "That kiss was better than any conversation I've ever had" will be the phrase to remember for me this summer. It sounds like a lyrics FOB would write. (Ryan was sooo sweet!) I just had an amazing time, and would do it all over again if I could.

Since I've been back from S.C. I've been hanging out alot w/ my friends. Jill and I have had some amazing times recently. (I, Robot is the fuckin greatest movie ever!! lmao) And I've made some new friends too while at the mall. I've been talking to Kiyan a lot lately (who is one of the guys I met) and he's pretty cool. We'll just hafta wait and see where things go with that tho....

I finally started posting at the XB again, which is something I haven't done in months. I didn't realize how much I missed everybody. While I do hate a majority of all the lil marks running around there who are incapable of having a strong opinion about something, there are the amazing ppl there that I love! The GOGA thread is back up and running (hells yea!!!!) and Krista and I must set up a new POTC thread just b/c we can!

Today has been a good day for me. Angie came back!!! I was so happy and relieved. She just disappeared for 2 weeks and everyone was getting terribly worried. So I'm beyond happy that she's alright. And Jessi comes back tonight!! *does happy dance* Now I know how she feels when I went away from 2 weeks. I missed her sooo much. I didn't know what to do with myself while she was gone. BBB and I were getting so lonely at the cult board, it's been just us for way too long. Now Jessi will be back, hopefully Angie will start posting again now that she's no longer MIA, and Lorena needs to get her ass back b/c I miss her way too much even tho I talk to her on the XB. I'm determined to reunite the cult completely (with the excpetion of Kylie who can no longer join us ) by the end of the summer.

I've also started to make a lot of new gfx lately. I finished this beautiful one of Keira a few days ago, which I am very proud of. It's prolly the best siggys i've ever made. The blending turned out really well, and the pics are just amazing! (Of course they're amazing they're of Keira who never looks any thing less than absolutely stunning!) I've also made my first av's ever, and I really love them. They're so fun to make and don't take all that much time. You guys can take a look at some of the things I've made by clinking on "GFX I've Made" in my links.

Sry if this is all just a bunch of shit and me just constantly rambling on. Things will make a lot more sense if I start posting more frequently. I love you all!!

Just thought I would leave you with the siggy that I am so proud od, and that I love dearly!

Yes, finally I'm free. No more school, just my normal summer routine. Stay up til like 6 in the morning, wake up at like 3. I love summer and I love being lazy. The return of summer means 2 things that I've been waiting for since the last summer ended. 1. My trip to S. Carolina and 2. CULT REUNION!!!!

For those who don't know, my family and I go to South Carolina every year with 2 other families who are my parents friends from college. It's so much fuckin fun, we rent a house on the beach for a week and it's like my place to escape from everything. I just love it, there's nothing better than seeing your friends who you haven't seen in a yr and then jumping into the ocean and watching the sun set. It's so peaceful and calming. Some of my best memories are from my previous trips there (esp. last yr's which I won't get into now but let's just say it was the most funa nd the best experience I've ever had in my life and I wouldn't trade it for anything else in the world). Needless to say, if this yr's trip is anything like last yr's, I'm gonna have the best time of my life. Plus I have my cell phone this yrso I can keep in touch with my friends for the 2 weeks that I'm gone which I've never been able to do before when we went. The hardest part is not having a computer to go on and talk to every1 on AIM like I do everyday. Everyone don't forget to text me cuz I've got a 15 hr car ride to sit thru!! (847-219-3901)

The other thing which I can't wait for is the cult reunion!!!!! Me, Jessi, and Laura already talked once all together but that was just the 3 of us, plus it just isn't the same w/o Kitten!! Once everyone gets out of school it's gonna be like old times again. Wow we had some fun times last summer. All I can say is, you can't rape the willing!  Anyways, once Kitten, BBB, Mrs. Billy, and everyone else comes back it's gonna be a blast./ Plus this yr we have Lorena and Angie which makes everything that much better. I can't waittil everyone is back together again. Oh and btw, Jessi and Megan you guys better be ready for more non-stop hrs of quoting POTC!!!! King Arthur comes out in less than a month too, I can't wait for that either. It's gonna be another Jerry Bruckhiemer unforgetable. Plus it's got Keira in it, so that's a huge bonus! Downside, no Orli or Johnny this time but that's what POTC: Treasures of the Lost Abyss is for. 2005 can't come soon enough!!! Wow I'm way off topic here, anyways, I can't wait for everyone to finally get back together again. It should be tons of fun and tghis yr we have the mb for all of us to talk on during the day when we aren't being our crazy alter-egos!!!

Ok I think I've rambled on for long enough. I've got tons more files to transfer over to my bros computer before I bomb my laptop. Hopefully then I'll get my computer back to the way it was pre kazaa and pre-virus and spyware. I need my computer back, esp with the way my summers are!

Yea I know, I haven't updated in forever again. But softball is over now and teachers are finally starting to let up on hw so that means more time online for me!! There's only 11 days left of school 8 not counting finals. Then I'm free again!! Then it's back to my usual summer schedule, sleeping all day, cult all night I've been waiting for summer ever since school started, I'm so fuckin excited!

Now onto whats happened recently in my life for those who care. Last night I was at my friend Meghan's bday party. I had such a kick ass time. As soon as I got there and sat down on her couch in her basement, I had cheetos being fed to me by my friend Mikey. (He continued to feed me things throughout the night) Grace was disappointed I wasn't wearing my Orli shirt but I promised her I'd wear it on Monday. Anyways it was quite an interesting party. Meghan was carried off into 'the room' by Mikey and Jesse and was practically getting raped and we all just stood there and did nothing. What good friends we are. lol As I said earlier, Mikey was feeding me all throughout the nite. So when I was sittin on the couch watchin Ferris Bueller w/ everyone Mikey sits next to me and holds a sprite can up to my mouth. I start to drink it but he keeps pouring and eventually I was drenched in sprite (luckily I wasn't wearing a white shirt) Overall it was quite a fun and interesting nite.

Hopefully I'm gonna get the new Fall Out Boy cd/dvd today. It came out last week and I want it sooo bad. And LOTR: ROTK comes out the 25th so I can't wait for that (lol Grace)

Hopefully I'll be able to update this more frequently. Sry Jessi, I know you come on here everyday hoping to see somethin new. So for right now this is my gift you (whoo that rhymed). Anyways I'll leave you guys with a poem I wrote a few days ago:

When Combustible Elements Collide

The world has reached its end
The earth is flooded from the rain
People drowning in tears
Everyone consumed by pain
Life is all about fate, luck, or chance
And your luck has run dry
Fate has given up on you
And there’s a chance you won’t make it out of this alive
If only your strength was as large as your ego
Then maybe you would still be fighting
But for you its long been over
Life is all about timing
So for you the world is over
You’re drowning in your tears
Now you are just a memory
Forgotten after all of these years

I finally caught up on some much needed sleep last night that I had been lacking for the past 2 weeks. After my softball games yesterday I also got to go online for a lil bit which was nice. During that time, I joined a new board for Orli/Keira fans, which I definitely am. I loved them in POTC (greatest movie ever!!!!!) and I love them as a couple period. (Damn that Kate Bosworth! I heard a rumor tho that she and Orli broke up, but most of the time rumors are just that, rumors.) Anyways, I noticed that I didn’t have a siggy for the new board and since I hadn’t made a new siggy in about 3 months I decided to make one. Personally I think it’s one of the best siggys I’ve ever made but you guys can judge for yourselves:

http://mywebpage.netscape.com/ILuVKiDViCiOuS27/POTC+Siggy2.gif (you hafta copy and paste the link b/c brave journal keeps fucking up)

Well I'm off to do about 6 hrs worth of homework. We'll just hafta wait and see if I have any more free time this week.

Holy shit! The greatest thing happened today!!! So our softball game rolls around this afternoon and the first thing everyone on my team notices is how incredibly hott our ump is. He was drop dead gorgeous! So I (and everyone else on my team) spent the entire game just drooling over our ump. Then I got a chance to talk to him a lil after the game and it turns out he's best friends with Fall Out Boy!!! As many of you already know, Pete Wentz from FOB graduated from my high school a few yrs ago. So I was talking to this totally droolworthy guy who happens to be best friends with one of my most favorite bands ever for a few minutes. He was such a cool guy. I asked him if he could slip me some tickets to one of their shows but he said no! Damn!! But no tickets aside, it was such a great day for me!!!

Just a little update for you guys on my life in the past week really quickly. I finally got all my project shit done, and OMG am I happy. My softball team one 2-3 games it played this week. It was 85 degrees today where I live which is insane for April. There was a party after our softball game today which was so much fun, plsu it was really nice outside. All I can say after tonight is trampoline's kick ass!! I got home from the party a lil late I guess cuz Jessi wasn't on when I got back which I'm a lil sad about cuz I was really lookin forward to talkin to everyone again online.

I just found out a few days ago that afetr my double header tomorrow my family is goin to South Carolina until Monday. That means I prolly won't be online again until Tuesday, possibly Monday night. Talk to you guys then. Love ya!

I'M NOT DEAD!!!!! I wasn't injured or anything like that, my computer has been bogged down by viruses lately making it really hard for me to go online, plus I have school, homework, and softball 6 days a week which pretty much leaves me with no free time what so ever. Thank you Jessi, Kylie, and Shiane, as well as everyone else for showing concern about my absence as of late, it makes me feel loved to know that you guys care. Now that we have that out of the way:

It has been 10 long years since Kurt Donald Cobain "committed suicide" (he was murdered dammit!) at the age of 27. He was truly a genius; his lyrics were nothing short of perfection for summing up the feeling of the youth of America. He was a husband, a father, and an icon for an entire generation as well as a hero for future generations who will stumble upon his musical genius. This week marks a decade since his death, and still we mourn for him and everything he stood for. I think I speak for both Jessi and myself as well as for the millions around the world when I say; Kurt Cobain will forever be missed. Remember Kurt: 1967-1994.

I hate to disappoint anyone but I'm not dead. I know it's been awile since I wrote anything in here tho so I thought it was time for an update on my life for all you lovely ppl who actually care. Since the last time I wrote, Bobby and I broke up. Things just weren't working out. I think he actually referred to me as a heartless bitch right before I broke up with him too. Oh well, it wasn't meant to be.

I have come to the conclusion that rain is positively the greatest thing that exists on earth. Last Sunday I stood outside in the rain for 5 hrs talking on the phone. It was so theraputic. Just the smell right after it rains brings back so many great memories for me. I dunno, there's just something really calming about it. Maybe it's the fact it's so peaceful outside b/c no one wants to stand in the rain and get wet.

Anyways back to the whole phone conversation, my two best friends and I were all talking on the phone from 9 -2 when we finally went to bed b/c we had school the next day. It was one of the greatest experiences of my life tho. I think it was the first time we all were truly open with each other. Despite the fact that we've all been friends for so many yrs, there's just those certain things that are hard to bring up in a conversation. We all finally got our depression problems out in the open. The only ppl who knew how depressed I was were you guys. It feels so good to have someone actually know what I'm going thru and to be able to relate to them on an entirely different level. The whole time we were talking I kept playing the song Look What Happened by Less Than Jake. It was so perfect for that moment.

So yea, that's what's been up with me lately. You all may return back to your normal lives.

Just as I knew would happen, the great days I was having last week and my joy have run dry. Lately things have just been going from bad to worse. Yesterday I was so depressed, as soon as I got home from school I just laid on my bed, locked in my room, and cried for a good hr. From the moment I woke up yesterday, my day was just completely shit. There were so many times yesterday that I felt tempted to cut myself. I know it's wrong, but the urge to is just becoming greater and greater. I really have to struggle now to stop myself from doing it. Sometimes it just seems like the best solution. If it weren't for a few ppl in this world, I would've started cutting myself a long time ago. I have yet to actually go thru with it, but it's becoming harder and harder for me to resist. I just hope those few ppl can keep giving me the strength to pull thru everything without hurting myself.

Now onto today.... Today started out fine, I was actually having a pretty decent day until a few hrs ago. I got asked out by this guy Bobby after school today. Normally, it would be a good thing to get asked out but good is about as far from the truth as you can get at the moment. Things all started about a month ago when Spencer, a guy I met at a New Years Eve party, asked me out. Things were great, we went out on our date and I discovered that he liked me alot more than I liked him. I dumped him shortly after that. I could see that he was a little hurt, but at the same time it didn't bother him to much. Then last Friday Spencer said he needed to talk to me at lunch. When I saw him at lunch that day he introduced me to Bobby. As it turns out Spencer and my friend Meghan were trying to set me up with him. Then what do you know, as soon as I sat down at the table everyone else left leaving Bobby and I alone. I talked to him for a little bit before I went to my next class. Then last weekend I hung out with him, Spencer, their friend, and my two best friends Meghan, and Jill. Bobby seemed like an ok guy, but I weasn't entirely sure I would want to go out with him.

Since then everyone has been pressuring me to go out with him. They're all asking what I think about him. Do I like him, do I not. I told everyone the same thing. I don't really know yet, I haven't really gotten to know him all that well. I'd probably want to go out on another group date type thing like we had last weekend and get to know him a little better before I ever went out with him. Then yesterday Meghan and Jill asked me what I thought about Bobby again even after I had told them the same thing over and over again. They said I had to give them a yes or no answer right there. I just started to walk away cuz I really didn't feel like dealing with that shit right then after how my day was already going.

Then today after school Bobby asked me. I felt really on the spot about everything. I said I would go out with him, but not for the right reasons. I still don't even know if I like him at all or not. But Meghan had told me before that Bobby had a really low self esteem and that he always felt like no girl would ever go out with him. Therefore when he asked me today, I felt like I really couldn't say no. I didn't want to hurt him at all. This whole thing has just been weird for me from the start. After I dumped Spencer, I kinda decided to myself that I didn't really want a bf at the moment. Then the next thing I know, my ex-boyfriend and one of my best friends are trying to hook me up with one of Spencer's friends. The whole time I really had no say in the entire situation, even tho it's my life. Now I'm left with a boyfriend I don't even know if I like, I'm afraid to tell him I can't go out with him anymore b/c his self esteem is already so low. Being rejected by another girl won't help that at all. I don't want to hurt him. He's the kinda guy I could see myself being friends with but never be in a relationship with. The whole time I don't even know where I stand on the issue, and to make things more complicated, there's another guy involved.

The other guy, Ryan, is someone I've known for my entire life. I've had a crush on him since I was 7, and he was my first kiss. I feel like he's perfect for me in every single way. The only problem is, he lives in Georgia. Chicago and Atlanta are halfway across the country from each other. I only get to see him once a yr for a week while our families vacation together in South Carolina on the beach. He's so sweet to me, he knows my personality so well, and we just fit together. He's liked me for about as long as, if not longer, I liked him. I know I should probably move on during the course of the year. See other people, and just live my life. But at the same time, I'm still so hung up over him. Not a day goes by where I don't think what it would be like if he lived where I did.

So now we're back to where I am at the moment. Stuck, confused, unsure what to make of things and how to deal with the whole situation. The last thing I would want to do is hurt someone in this, and yet I don't want to get hurt myself. I'm so confused at the moment, I have no idea what to do. If you guys have any suggestions that might help me, please feel free to share them. I'm so lost right now, I have no idea what I'm doing. I hate being a teenager.....

I'm really suprised. This is the second good day I've had this week. Nothing like this has happened to me in months. Anyways onto the reason for my joy:

1. The cult board is officially up and running thank to the lovely Jessi who rocks my fuckin socks! We've only been talking about getting a board for The Cult for months now, Jessi was just the one who got off her lazy ass and finally did it. It's so nice to finally have a place to call home for the cult and not hafta go on the xtreme chat anymore and to not hafta worry about time dofferences for a change. And with not having to worry about time differences means Lorena was finally able to join us which I was very happy about. I've wanted Lorena to join ever since kitten and I started it last summer but she could never come b/c of the damn time difference! All is better now however. Shiane also joined us which kicks ass! Hopefully we'll get some new members to add to our already impressive list. I've missed not being able to talk to everyone in The Cult like we did over the summer. Ah the good old days! If anyone is interrested in joining The Cult or wants to know more about it you can talk to me privately cuz I won't go into more details about it now.

2. I got to talk to the ever sexxy Kylie today for the first time in like 2 months. Kitten is practically my twin and I haven't talked to her at all in soooo long. See what no cult can do?? Anyways, both of us haven't really had a chance to be online as much as we would like recently, so it was so great being able to talk with her again. I missed her so much it's unbelievable. As the cult members and many others know, Kylie and I are really close, as I said before almost like twins, and it was so devistating to not speak with her and see what's going on in her life and tell her what was happening in mine. Kylie is really one of my closest friends so I'm overwhelmed with joy at the moment. Hopefully she'll get her ass onto The Cult mb soon. I know I wasn't the only one that missed her while she was gone.

3. I got myself a Valentine for tomorrow so I won't be all alone. You're the best Jessi!!! I know I already told you but I love the siggy you made me!

Looks like I have a busy weekend ahead of me. Us cult members have a lot of catching up to do!!!!!!